Beginning to Heal
I do not know how long it has been, I lost count after six months but know it has been probably closer to nine, and I do not know what started it all, was it simply failing at college again, or was it a combination of several things, the failing at college again, the lost of my car that was truly reliable only to be replaced by a one that would die on me after almost a year, that I would then donate to be salvaged on whatever level it could, losing interesting in the job, pushing people I care about and cared about me away, getting lost entirely in another world and not giving a rats ass about much outside of it, doing the bare minimum of living and pretty much not caring about life at all, whether I lived or died, not to the point of wanting to commit suicide, but certainly in a total apathetic state.
This last month or two I have been fighting all of this, internally, more like spiritually, to the point that my mental and physical facilities want to help take up the fight, the holidays certainly didn’t help matters, but I refused to let them make me be lost completely, which is a possibility most of the time in regards to the holiday season. I know now, that I want out, I want to walk away, I want to start anew and start getting interested in things again, mainly because I am bored, at was at the brink of breaking, and whatever survival instinct I had left finally kicked in and didn’t allow that to happen.
I am taking an interest up in my writing again, already starting to form some new ideas, wanting to submit material to some upcoming contests, wanting to push for something of mine to get published by the end of the year, whether I succeed there or not, I at least want to try.
I want to start caring about politics again, and I am slowly starting to. After Obama got elected I pretty much quit caring, thinking everything was finally going to start moving in a direction it needed to, then everything else happened, the apathy kicked in, and then I pushed it and everything else away. I want healthcare! I want others to have good, affordable healthcare! I want this bill, however not perfect it is, to pass! I want to take up the fight again and this time get more involved than I have in the past and actually start getting more into local politics.
I want to start reading again, I want to start watching more movies and going over them critically again, talking to others about them, and having other intelligent conversations more and more. I want to do well at work and move up in my current job. I want to get my finances at a manageable level, and am already making steady progress there. I want to start looking forward to going back to school in the fall, and most important, which I have already mentioned, I want to start writing again!
All in all I want to break free from the escapism that I immersed myself into over these last two months, the world I allowed myself to be shackled to and ignore everything else that was more important and mattered to me at one time. It’’s not that I don’t love that other world, I do, I made it my own on some level, but I need to walk away for awhile, come back and baby it, give it time when I have free time to spare for it, and not immerse myself into it again.
I think I am making the right steps in doing that, and I am already thinking of the next steps to take and looking forward to taking them. Above all I look forward to healing completely, getting my life back on the road it was before I veered off, and immersing myself back into the public I missed, the friends and family I pushed away that I enjoyed.
I want to get back to the mostly anti-social guy I once was, instead of being the guy that totally cut himself off from everyone. I don’t like that guy, in fact I hate him and never want to see him again, and will do my damnedest to not meet up with him ever again.
I’m healing now, and I want to continue to heal and never stop…
In: Uncategorized · Tagged with: Life, Personal